Thursday, October 14, 2010

Peace Through Common Enemies

Gigantic bugs would deserve to die because they’d be so fucking disgusting; I think we can all agree to that. Moreover, the presumed culpability of huge, mutant bugs, though certainly an unpleasant subject, is not the terrible problem that so many horror/sci-fi movies would have us believe it to be. Indeed, far from being such a problem, this universal imperative to kill giant, nasty bugs lies, rather, at the heart of a solution.

There’s a bitter debate currently raging in nations where bullfighting is part of the society’s sporting tradition. Animal rights activists portray the practice as torture, and torture it must surely seem to the animals that are forced to participate and so often die in the bullfights. On the other hand, aficionados of the sport argue quite compelling that this time-honored contest between man and beast, though perhaps cruel, is nonetheless a legitimate cultural expression of shared values (e.g., courage, determination), values that people have a right to celebrate. Who’s to say what’s morally correct? Ethics is hard.

Science, by contrast, is easy. Why can’t the R&D people at Monsanto (or Raid or Hormel or wherever) cook up some genetically modified superbugs for the bullfighters to fight? The bugs wouldn’t have to be enormous. In fact, considering the proportionate strength and speed of insects, a bug the size of a bull would probably be much too deadly. I’m guessing that bugs the size of terriers would be plenty formidable – challenging enough, at least, for your typical matador. Personally, I’d very much enjoy watching 30-lb killer bugs chase some Spaniards ‘round a bullring like a bunch of goddamn rodeo clowns. And vice versa. Throw some fancy stretch pants into the mix and that's one hell of a ticket. Perhaps the bugs could even be engineered to have horns and fur, taught to stomp and snort like bulls. Bugfighting would rival bullfighting in terms of both spectacle and glory but with none of the stigma that attaches to blood sport. I don’t even think bugs have blood. It’s mostly goo.

For millennia humankind, as if cursed, has used its technologies to forge weapons of war. Must we continue devising means by which to devastate and destroy each other and ourselves? Maybe it’s about time we all shook hands and started using our petards to hoist some giant fucking bugs.

Contributors