The Banality Of Evil Neighbors

My next-door neighbors might be witches. I don’t have proof, but there’s definitely something vaguely suspicious about them. They’re a somewhat strange couple indeed, and there’s a slightly perceptible sinister quality to their oddness. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but that’s the thing about witchcraft: it’s hard to pin down. Fiends can be remarkably subtle.

Through my kitchen window I’m able to watch them playing cards in their kitchen. They often sit there at their kitchen table and they play two-handed pinochle. They do it for hours sometimes, just sitting there in their pajamas at their kitchen table quietly playing cards. Who does that?

Actually, I’m just assuming that the woman wears pajamas. I rarely see more than her hands, which only pop into view occasionally as she plays her cards. It’s mostly a bit of the tabletop and the back of the guy’s head and shoulders that I’m looking at, and he’s usually in his pajamas. For all I know the woman’s playing naked. Or maybe she’s painted up like a snake or maybe some sort of ungodly, carnal priestess. There’s really no way of telling what’s going on in that apartment, but the facts are entirely consistent with some very squirrelly business.

I went over there once. I had to knock for like five minutes, but the guy finally answered. I asked him if he was 2WIRE027 and, if so, could I give him ten bucks a month to use his Internet? He said that it wasn’t him and so I offered him $15, but he just closed the door on me. It was as though he had something to hide. I came back home and tried “Satan” as the password, but of course that didn’t work…way too obvious.

One time I was coming out of my front door just as the woman was going into her place with a young child in tow. I only glimpsed the child, but he or she looked about three or four years tall. I never saw that kid again – not to my knowledge, at least.

One needn’t be an attorney to realize that all of this evidence is circumstantial, that it might well add up to diddly-squat legally. Prosecutors, judges, juries…the system sees what it wants to see. The cops don’t give a shit. And I’m not cut out for vigilante-style heroics, so I don’t seem to have many options (although I certainly don’t want to just sit on my hands as sorcerers and miscreants befoul my community). They say, “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live [next door].” They say, “Not in my backyard.” But what am I supposed to do? This isn’t a rhetorical question. I want suggestions as to what to do.