Gilligan’s Island Theme-Song Grievance

Location: Hollywood, CA, Offices of Sherwood Schwartz
Time: early September, 1964
Characters: Sherwood Schwartz’s secretary [voice only], Sherwood Schwartz (producer), Russell Johnson (actor), and Dawn Wells (actor)

TV producer and creator, Schwartz, paces his office and nervously sips Scotch.  He returns his glass to his liquor cabinet and closes its doors, and then he goes to his desk and pushes a button on his intercom. [buzzing sound]

Secretary [offstage]: Thank you for waiting.  Mr. Schwartz will see you now.

Johnson and Wells enter Schwartz’s office and close the door behind them.

Schwartz [walking out from behind his desk and toward four chairs placed around a coffee table, gesturing for Johnson and Wells to come join him, which they do]: Hi, guys!  Come, sit.  What can I do ya for?  Want a drink?

Johnson: No, thanks.

Wells: This isn’t a social call.

They all sit, Johnson and Wells next to each other and across from Schwartz.

Schwartz: So what can I do for you?  Jack said he thought you were coming, but he didn’t say why.

Johnson: George played us the theme song this morning.  We were very disappointed.  Why do you think that is, Sherwood?

Schwartz: C’mon, guys.  I know how you feel, but it’s a 60-second song.  We can’t squeeze everything into the opening credits.  At first we were gonna just mention Gilligan and the skipper, not even the Howells, but we realized that we needed Ginger in there for the sex appeal…

Wells: Fuck you, Sherwood.

Schwartz: You know what I mean, Dawn.  You’re just as sexy as Tina, obviously…why do you think we’re parading you around in hot pants all the time?  But Tina’s character has all the glamour…it’s a different kind of appeal…resonates with the females as much as the males.  You know that.

Wells: Whatever.  I was Ms. Nevada.

Schwartz: You are a lovely, lovely woman, Dawn.

Wells: I know a thing or two about glamour.

Schwartz: Be that as it may, the focus groups love movie stars, so we needed Tina in the mix.  And the Howells were easy.  [to GI melody] “The billionaire and his wife.”  Four words and they’re both covered.  That’s all you need to know.  [turning to face Johnson] Nobody cares how Howell made his millions, so we don’t have to explain that he’s an oil tycoon or a financier or whatever.  And his wife is his wife.  But if we say “the professor” then people are gonna wonder what sort of professor you might be.  Are you a philosopher, a jurisprudential scholar, a Shakespearean scholar, what?  We want you to be a professor in, like, all of the sciences, but we can’t explain that…we don’t even want to explain that.  [turning to Wells]  And, Dawn, how could we explain Mary Ann?  If we introduce you as “Mary Ann” it doesn’t speak to the role…so you’re a woman named Mary Ann…big deal.  Tina’s “the movie star,” which is clearly a good thing.  But we couldn’t very well call you “the farm girl.”  We’d have to explain that you were the sweet, upbeat, pretty farm girl, and that you weren’t just some country bumpkin.  We just couldn’t squeeze all of that into 60 seconds.

Johnson: Five words.

Schwartz and Wells: what?

Johnson: You said “the billionaire and his wife” were four words.  It’s five words.

Schwartz: Okay, five words, then.  I play a little fast, a little loose, you know me.  My point remains, though, right?

Wells: Why weren’t we ever consulted when you were producing the theme?

Schwartz: So you wanna write theme songs now?

Wells: Maybe we should, since your team obviously can’t handle it.

Schwartz: Again, Dawn, you can’t fit everything into a 60-second song!

Johnson: Nonsense.  Dawn fixed it in the cab coming over here.  It took her about 45 seconds.  Dawn, how did it go?

Wells: [to new GI melody] “the professor and Mary Ann here on Gilligan’s isle.”  Instead of [to old GI melody] “and the rest are here on Gilligan’s isle,” it’s [to new GI melody] “the professor and Mary Ann here on Gilligan’s isle.”

Schwartz: You just stretched it out, though.

Johnson: No! That’s the beauty.  The [to old GI melody] “are here on Gilligan’s isle” part of the version that George played us is already so stretched out that you can fit [to new GI melody] “the professor and Mary Ann” in without disrupting the meter.  You just lose the word “are,” which was grammatically incorrect anyway.  And the song’s lyrics as they are now linger on too long anyway.  By adding Dawn and I to the list of castaways, you'll fix the song!  And [to new GI melody] “the professor and” and [to new GI melody] “Mary Ann” even rhyme…it’s perfect!

Schwartz [after pausing and rubbing his eyes with his palms as if to refresh his mind but really to hide his angry shame]: But we’re back to the problem of what kind of professor, right?  And who the heck is “Mary Ann”?

Johnson [sighing exasperatedly, then snapping into an encouraging tone]: Like you said, I’m a generic professor!  I’m just “the professor.”  The viewer will soon realize that I’m a generalist in the hard sciences and that I dabble in the soft sciences.

Wells: And who the fuck is “Gilligan”?  If the viewer needs to know who Mary Ann is, doesn’t the viewer need to know who Gilligan is?

Schwartz: They do!  He’s the “mighty sailing man” who works for the brave and sure skipper.

Wells: Well, the lyrics also say “five passengers” in addition to Gilligan and the skipper.  “Five.”

Schwartz: Yeah.  Hence the “and the rest…”.

Johnson: Listen, guys, this isn’t about how comprehensively or precisely the theme song introduces the show and the characters.  This is about billing.  Dawn and I are being under-billed in the opening credits and there’s no good reason for it.  We’re as integral to this show as everyone else.  Dawn and I get as many lines as Jim and Natalie do.  By the way, when they sing [to old GI melody] “and the rest” and you put our photos and names up, is it going to say “as The Professor” and “as Mary Ann”?  

Schwartz [after squeezing his temples, thinking]: Right!  That’s the important part!  Your roles are all equally important, but we just couldn’t fit everyone into the theme song.

Johnson [highly exasperated]: But we just solved that problem for you!

Schwartz [reluctantly]: The song is already in the can.  There’s no budget and no time to go back into the studio.  CBS wanted the song a month ago.

Johnson: So you’re going to fuck us over ‘cause you don’t want to pay for an extra studio session?!  What is that, like, five guys and six hours?!

Schwartz: There are more engineers to pay than there are musicians to pay.  And a new song would take at least two days.  There's no time.

Johnson: Look, Sherwood, I put my career on the line for this project.  I’ve done Hitchcock.  I had a Twilight Zone!  I’m taking a real risk with this, even if I am the straight man.  My career as a dramatist could be over.  Now, the money’s good…I’m here ‘cause of the money and I got no complaints in that department.  But when I get freezed out of the credits, it’s like a signal to everyone that my career is on the decline….”

Wells [standing, to Johnson]: This is bullshit, Russell.  Let’s get out of here.  [to Schwartz]  It’s not just the theme song that’s in the can, Sherwood, it’s most of a season.  Without your farm girl and your professor, you got shit.  It’s too late to change things up now.  But just ‘cause you can’t fire us doesn’t mean that we can’t quit.  Now my agent and my lawyer are talking about this right now, but I don’t really give a shit what they say.  I’m not shooting another episode until that theme song’s fixed.

Wells stands up, nods sharply to Schwartz as an ironic display of respect, and walks to the door.

Johnson [getting up from his chair to follow Wells]: I feel the same way, Sherwood.

Wells and Johnson exit Schwartz’s office and close the door behind them.

Schwartz [still seated]: Aghhh!  [pauses, then resumes tantrum]  Fuck, fuck, fuck!  [gets up, walks over to desk, sits at desk and buzzes secretary via intercom]  Call Marty at legal.  Tell him I want him and every shyster he’s got in my conference room tomorrow at…11.  No, 10.

Secretary: Is everything okay?

Schwartz:  Yeah…just a coupla actors gettin’ too big for their britches.

Secretary: You want some company?

Schwartz: No, not now.  Thanks, baby.  [pushes button to end call, then taps fingers on edge of desk to keep tempo and comparatively hums relevant portions of old GI theme song and new GI theme song]  Fuck! [stands up and walks to the liquor cabinet and opens its doors]  Duh. [end of scene]

A Very Krampus Christmas

Happy holidays to all!  Let us take this season of fellowship as an opportunity to remember that even the worst among us – the kidnappers, the torturers, the child killers, the cannibals, the reprobates of every stripe – need love and can be loved and can be redeemed by love.