Juicy Lemons

I won't know how many lemons I need until I know how juicy they are. Or less ambiguously: until I know how juicy they are I won't know how many lemons I need. Or even slightly less ambiguously: until I know how juicy the lemons are I won't know how many I need. Or least ambiguously: until I know how juicy the lemons are I won't know how many lemons I need.

Diff'rent Wipes For Diff'rent Types

When shopping for items, I tend to buy whichever product brand that happens to be on sale, and so I've tried dozens of different toilet papers over the years. And, of course, I've defecated many times in bathrooms for which someone else has provided the toilet paper, and so I've experienced even more kinds of toilet paper than I've purchased.

The various brands of toilet paper vary greatly in terms of texture, ranging from the soft and pillowy and fluffy to the coarse and stiff and dense. Public restrooms are usually supplied with the coarser, stiffer, denser paper, whereas I often encounter the softer, fluffier, and more pillowy paper in the bathrooms of friends and relatives.

I prefer the coarse, stiff, dense toilet paper. This is because I've found that the fluffy toilet paper often tatters and turns powdery when subjected to friction. I want my feces to adhere to my toilet paper, and the last thing I need is for my toilet paper to be adhering to my feces.

People have told me, "Il Vermicello, the purpose of toilet paper is not merely to faciliate adhesion but also to facilitate comfort," but I've never really understood these people. I, for one, have never used any toilet paper that was so soft or so fluffy that it made wiping myself in any way pleasant or soothing. Conversely, I've had to wipe myself plenty of times with newspapers or grocery bags or the Yellow Pages, and it really isn't all that bad.