Free Time

Extra time being the greatest conceivable gift, I've been getting pretty fuckin' pumped about Leap Day. Everything that happened tomorrow was gonna be like gravy, like a free side of icing with my already iced cake. But then I realized that tomorrow's Wednesday and I just gotta go to work. Why couldn't Leap Day fall on a weekend, goddammit?!

I guess it's a good thing anyway, though. Shit's been pilin' up pretty bad at the office and I definitely could use the extra day to catch up...boss man's been on my ass lately like sticky on putty.

Fun fact: in Muslim cultures, Wednesday is their Friday (i.e., the workweek's final day, which is, as we all know, the weekend in spirit). Lucky bastards....

A Hardscrabble Life

Whenever I start a new game with someone on the Internet Scrabble Club, I say "hi and gl," which means "hi and good luck." It's pretty much standard practice to do so (although a lot of folks simply write "gl"...the salutation is implied, I guess); everyone types "hi gl" or "gl" or whatever into their respective message fields while they're waiting to be connected to an opponent and then, once connected, they just hit the send button real quick as they begin playing. But I never mean it. I'm always actually wishing them the worst of luck. I'm hoping that I'll get both of the blanks. I want the x, the z, the j, and a steady supply of esses. I want everybody else to keep pulling cees and vees. Fuck 'em. I don't care about those people. And I don't believe that they really care about me. It's a dance of lies.

Open Letter To The Chinese

Dear Chinese people,

There are no dragons. There were pterodactyls, but that was millions of years ago. Dragons are total bullshit. So you're celebrating the year of the total bullshit. I don't even know what a lunar year is. At least the other animals in your zodiac are all real.

I'm not trying to denigrate your culture. I know your food is awesome, and I'm sure you have a lot of other great stuff going on too. But the whole "dragons" thing is bullshit. You're not fooling anybody.

Yours truly,
Il Vermicello