Tuesday, December 25, 2012

My Girl, Cockroach

My ex-girlfriend, Cockroach (just a nickname), was so special (and, for all I know, she still is).  I remember how she worried about me being dressed too nicely before I met her parents for the first time, how she insisted that I change into something even more slovenly than what I was already wearing.  She was so comfortable with underachievement. I think she might have romanticized failure, and we were so heavy into each other.

Once, in preparation for a European holiday with her family, she was reading up on the Hapsburgs.  I remember her telling me some story about the Hapsburg army decimating some other king’s army at some battle.  The non-Hapsburg king was felled and was clearly dead, but his outnumbered soldiers who’d been fighting by his side remained loyal. Rather than fleeing, as they could have successfully done, they instead dove onto the king’s corpse (and toward their certain doom) in order to shield his corpse from the indignity of further blows from the swarming Hapsburg halberdiers.  Cockroach was nearly ecstatic.  She thought that story was so sexy, and I knew right then that I’d never be enough for her.

Cockroach was hella anti-Jesus.  She was pretty much down on religion generally, but she had some particular grudge against Jesus.  She had these blowdarts, and on her dartboard was an image of Jesus, one of those old-fashioned icons like in Andrei Rublev.  She’d invite visitors to play blowdarts, and she’d distrust those who declined.  “I can’t trust anyone who isn’t willing to shoot Jesus in the face with a blowdart,” she’d always say.

One time we were at my house and I was playing Big Star and that song “Jesus Christ Was Born Today” came on, such a good song, but Cockroach claimed that she found the song deeply offensive.  I suggested that she should relax because it was such a good song and because Jesus wasn’t really all that bad, but she just got up and turned off the stereo.  Cockroach was so rude, almost pathologically so, and she had such terrible taste in music.

What I never understood is how Cockroach couldn't see the erotic charm of Jesus’ martyrdom.  The very concept of the martyr, the heroic victim, involves just the sort of paradoxical interplay between power and helplessness that always seemed to turn Cockroach on immensely. How could those absurdly enthusiastic anti-Hapsburg soldiers of hers have been so sexy, but Jesus’ sacrifice not be sexy?  That never made any sense to me.

I mean, even as a heterosexual man who hovers somewhere between agnosticism and atheism, even I can see that Jesus is obviously sexy. Jesus Christ, He’s totally sexy...He's fuckin’ rock-star sexy up there, all sweaty and half-naked and delirious with His sufferings and passions. He’s the original bad-boy heartthrob, brooding and tortured and misunderstood.  You can practically see His persecuted, defiant boner poking out from ‘neath His robe or His loincloth or whatever He’s wearing.  There wouldn’t be any James Deans or Donny Wahlbergs or any of that shit if it hadn’t been for Jesus.  He's the reason for the sleazin'.  How could Cockroach not have seen that?  It just never made sense to me.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Seinfeld As An Hour-Long Dramedy Today

Jerry notices several FEMA vehicles around town and suspects that disaster is headed for Manhattan.  He decides to check in on his Nana to make sure that she has a well-stocked emergency kit, but she's not home.  His Nana doesn't use a cell phone, so Jerry visits Uncle Leo to see if he (Uncle Leo) knows where Nana might be (he doesn't).  Uncle Leo confides in Jerry that he (Uncle Leo) has been diagnosed with cancer; he's been undergoing chemotherapy for the last several weeks, which is why his eyebrow hairs have fallen out.  Uncle Leo asks Jerry to help him obtain some marijuana to help with the nausea.  Jerry recommends that Uncle Leo sign up with a medical marijuana dispensary.  Uncle Leo reminds Jerry that medical cannabis still isn't legal in New York.  Jerry suggests going to New Jersey, but Leo is worried about marijuana use ending up in his permanent medical record and negatively impacting future eligibility for Obamacare benefits.  He would prefer to score some weed on the street.  Jerry says that he doesn't have any pot connections and refuses to help.  Uncle Leo accuses Jerry of anti-Semitism.

George is returning home from a job interview; he's wearing his slickest suit, which he recently purchased (on sale, 50% off) specifically for the interview.  He walks past Zuccotti Park and is mistaken for a fat-cat banker by some Occupy protestors, who beat him brutally.  When he gets home, his fiancee mocks and berates him for having been beaten up by anarcho-hippies.  After this humiliation, George is unable to perform sexually, and to overcome his impotence he tries Viagra.  The Viagra works like a charm, but in order to deal with his near-constant erections George must continually pop into public bathrooms around town to masturbate.  Because the doors of the bathroom stalls do not extend all the way down to the floor, a pervert in an adjacent stall attempts to initiate footsies and, in the ensuing commotion, George is discovered masturbating and is charged with lewd and lascivious behavior.

Elaine gets back together with Puddy.  They're engaged in some pillow talk when the TV announces that there's been a mass shooting at a local school.  Elaine is horrified and decides to take the money that she'd been planning to donate to the fight against global warming and instead use it to support Mayor Bloomberg's gun-control initiative. Puddy, however, feels that a Columbine-style incident every now and again is a reasonable price to pay for our Second Amendment freedoms. Elaine is disgusted by Puddy's callousness, and they break up.  To forget about Puddy, Elaine immerses herself in her work.  Her boss is absent, having been recently detained by Iranian authorities while on a hiking trip in the Near East, and so Elaine is in charge at the office.  She institutes a ban on oversized sodas in the workplace (in observance of Diabetes Awareness Month), but her underlings rebel and threaten to download virus risks onto company computers.  To ease her stress, Elaine goes binge-drinking and blacks out.  When she wakes up the next morning, she must reconstruct the events of the previous evening in order to determine whether or not she should take a morning-after pill.

Kramer and Newman are volunteering at a local AIDS clinic in order to steal medications.  They figure that if the drugs can so successfully boost the immune systems and suppress the symptoms of those with HIV then they'd do wonders for people without HIV.  Word of their racket spreads, and they start selling the drugs to folks in the neighborhood, using Monk's Coffee Shop as their base of operations. In a botched attempt to use social media as a marketing tool, Kramer posts about the scheme on Facebook.  Crazy Joe Davola, who is Kramer's Facebook friend, shows Kramer's posts to the manager of Monk's, who promptly bans Kramer and Newman from the coffee shop.  Kramer consults attorney Jackie Chiles about the possibility of suing Monk's and/or Crazy Joe, but Chiles refuses to represent Kramer because of his (Kramer's) racist tirades.  Kramer insists that he's not really a racist, and to bolster his claim he later returns to Jackie's office with an African-American youngster whom Kramer has been mentoring as he (the youngster) prepares to audition for American Idol.  The young man performs for Jackie, and Jackie is so impressed by the young man's poise that he agrees to take Kramer's case.

Meanwhile, Jerry is at Mendy's Restaurant having soup with Kenny Bania, whom Jerry has reluctantly promised to treat to lunch in return for a past favor.  Bania is making Jerry critique some new terrorism material that Bania's come up with ("...what's the deal with 9/11? ...they should call it '11/9' in Europe..."), but Bania's routine is interrupted when Uncle Leo texts Jerry to let him know that his Nana has gone upstate for the week, having eloped with her longtime lesbian lover.  Leo, a traditionalist, is beside himself over the marriage, but Jerry texts back to say that he doesn't think that there's anything unlawful or wrong with it.  Jerry calls his parents to inform them of Nana's nuptials, but Helen and Morty can't take Jerry's call as they're in the middle of a Zumba class (Morty's in training to disprove Jack Klompus' prediction that he (Morty) would break his hip were he to compete at the All-Florida Zumba Senior Challenge).

After lunch, Jerry and Bania are sharing a cab and Jerry mentions his uncle's cancer and search for medical marijuana.  Bania excitedly, almost hysterically, informs Jerry that he (Bania) knows a pot dealer who sells excellent weed.  Jerry doesn't like the idea of buying marijuana illegally, but Bania persists.  "Jerry, it's medical grade...the best, Jerry, the best!"

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Schadenfreude And Its Converse

Solitude and companionship are both compromises. With solitude comes loneliness along with relative peace, and with companionship comes strife along with relative intimacy. Either scenario seems a bit of a wash as to whether the prioritization of one psychological need (peace or intimacy, as the case may be) over another psychological need (intimacy or peace, as the case may be) is ultimately advantageous. Together these alternative scenarios present a larger, more metaphysical wash: I'm screwed either way, on the one hand, and it could be a lot worse either way, on the other hand.

I know that I should try to be grateful and count my lucky stars. After all, imagine how difficult life must be for the confirmed bachelor[ette] who's unhinged, mad with inner turmoil. Imagine the loveless couple who must negotiate their competing interests without empathy or tenderness. Think of these wretches! I remind myself that maintaining a positive outlook is important, that optimism breeds happiness, and I think of these wretches. These losers are mere figments, hypothetical patsies in my mind, but I'm confident that their real-life analogs must number in the many thousands (if not the millions). Their misery fortifies me. Their sad lot helps me to put my own situation into perspective and enables me to regard my fate with acceptance and even some modicum of thankfulness.

Of course, this is not to say that I don't suffer crises of faith, far from it. I've tossed and turned through my dark nights of the soul. I've felt in my gut that sinking, sickening feeling that somewhere out there are those who have everything. Oh, God, damn them! Is there a blessed hermit who has never cried out into the silence, desperate for fellowship? In my nightmares, his cup runs over and he mocks me. Are there charmed lovers whose interests never diverge, who share an agenda as closely as they share confidences and passion? In my terrible fantasies, they toast their bliss and they pity me. These smug specters trumpet the rudeness and the cruelty of a destiny that I suspect to have sorely cheated me. Why should these fortunate few have it all? What entitles them to such perfect happiness?

Yes, there are times when I seethe and, yes, it's unhealthy, but as the jealousy and the rage begin to swell in my breast I try to calm myself by remembering those less fortunate than me. I reflect on those condemned to plumb the endless depths in search of ever lower stations into which to settle as they sink with their woe, and doing so almost invariably lifts my spirits.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Sully's Reputation

If you're like me then you watch a lot of TV, and if you watch a lot of TV then you've probably seen a lot of Sully Sullenberger.  I'm so sick of this guy.

Sullenberger's the holier-than-thou spokesman for St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.  He comes on surrounded by sad-looking, skinny, bald kids and he says, "Hi, I'm Captain Sully Sullenberger.  People call me a hero, but these kids here at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital are the real heroes…."  Then there's a montage of sick little patients looking forlorn and helpless in their hospital beds with wires and tubes and shit all hooked up everywhere.  Then Sully comes back on and tells me that I should give St. Jude some money so that these kids can continue their desperate struggle.

Wtf?  Cancer's a drag, no doubt about it, and I don't like dead children any more than the next guy, but who the hell is Sully Sullenberger?

I'll tell you who Sully Sullenberger is: Sully's the guy who crash-landed his airplane into the Hudson River a few years ago, US Airways Flight 1549…all 155 passengers and crew aboard the plane survived.  It was a slow news week, I guess, so suddenly Sullenberger's a national hero and he's meeting the President and he's writing a best-selling memoir (which he entitled Highest Duty…gimme a fuckin' break).

Last I checked, landing an aircraft without killing anybody was a pretty standard duty in any pilot's job description.  It's essentially one third of the job: you take off without killing anyone, then you fly the plane somewhere without killing anyone, and then you land the plane without killing anyone.  I'm not saying it's easy, necessarily, but it's certainly fucking doable.  Pilots all around the world are doing it every day.

It's true that Sully had to unexpectedly land Flight 1549 due to equipment failure, but the reason his equipment failed is because he flew his plane into a flock of geese.  Wasn't this fucker ever trained to not steer his plane into flocks of geese?  I've avoided geese plenty of times (Lake Merritt, y'all…yo, yo, Oakland!), in a car and on a motorcycle, and it ain't that hard.  Granted, I'm on the ground and I'm not going that fast, but, still, it's pretty easy to refrain from ramming your vehicle into a flock of geese.  Don't crash into shit…pretty much Aviation 101, folks.

So basically Captain Chesley Burnett Sullenberger is a hero and a celebrity because he did his job, the job that he signed up to do and that he was getting paid to do.  What the hell?!

I do my job, too, you know.  I'm there by nine most mornings, and I stay past five.  On my most recent performance evaluation I was rated "very satisfactory."  I've been involved in zero on-the-job fatalities.  So am I a hero?  Most people would say that I'm not.

You see, I don't fit the hero stereotype.  I'm not a veteran fighter pilot like Captain Sullenberger is.  I didn't go to the United States Air Force Academy, and I didn't win the Outstanding Cadet in Airmanship award.  So because I don't conform to people's preconceived notions of heroism, I'm just some shmo who's adequately doing his job.  But ol' Sully does his job, and, hooray, he's America's fuckin' sweetheart.  He's throwin' out the first pitch of baseball season.  Mayor Bloomberg dubs him "Captain Cool."  He's on the talk-show circuit.  He's the Grand Marshal of the goddamn Tournament of Roses Parade.

Whatever.

I'll tell you what, though: if I had Sully's reputation, I'd try to use it to do something cheerful to uplift the community.  I wouldn't come on TV trying to make people feel like crap and guilt-trip them into donating money.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Alpha Males And Omega


I'm thinking that I might have to buy this Omega Seamaster Planet Ocean, which apparently is featured in the new James Bond movie, Skyfall.  007 wears it on the steel bracelet, or so I've read, but I would wear it with the rubber strap.  I'd prefer to wear it with a NATO strap, but it's much too thick for that.

If this watch were just a few millimeters thinner then I'd've purchased one months ago (long before I ever knew about its being featured in an upcoming Bond installment).  It looks super badass (you'll get used to the weird hands if you look at it long enough; also, those unnecessarily beveled lugs that Omega so stubbornly insists on work much better on a diver than on any other model) and it has a particularly accurate, rugged, and innovative movement (including a silicon balance spring that never loses its shape), much superior in precision and durability to the hideous Rolex Submariner's caliber 3135 (which, by the way, will cost a fellow a couple thousand dollars more than the Planet Ocean's rather sensibly priced co-axial 8500).

It's just so ridiculously thick, though (16.3mm!).  Such thickness might not be so bad on the 45.5mm-diameter version, I guess, but, given my modest wrists, I'd surely have to wear the equally thick 42mm-diameter version.

My point here is that I have a massive wad of watch money burning a hole in my pocket, but I can't seem to find a watch that I really, truly want.  My mother, who lives in poverty, could probably put the money to good use and I do feel guilty, but I need a new watch, something super fresh and totally kick-ass.

Don't get me wrong: my trusty IWC Mark XV pilot watch is exquisite and I'll always love it.  But I need something less elegant and more macho (i.e., bigger...I'm looking for 3-4mm more diameter than the levelheaded and understated Mark XV's 38mm diameter).

Nowadays, all the bigger IWC pilot models (except for the so-called Big Pilot, which is clearly way too big for my wrist) are abominations aesthetically due to their absurd date displays.  The only cool-looking IWC diver is the retro Aquatimer, which (a) has an inner rotating bezel...so inconvenient, (b) isn't very waterproof at all for a diving watch, and (c) is, if we're being honest, definitely too big for me with its 44mm diameter.

Jaeger-LeCoultre makes a cool-looking and nicely sized retro diver, but it doesn't have a date function.  Only a fool or a wastrel would ever buy a watch without a date function.  I could see James Bond wearing Jaeger-LeCoultre, though.  I'm pretty sure that Bond's always worn Rolex or Omega in the movies, but I could see him wearing JLC.  Clive Owen, that British actor who was in The Bourne Identity, happens to be a sort of spokesman for JLC (they call 'em "friends of the brand"...George Clooney is Omega's friend, as is Cindy Crawford) and I've heard that he was almost cast as James Bond.  In fact, I think maybe I read that Daniel Craig got the part after Clive Owen turned it down.  I can't remember.

I suppose that if I didn't care about the date, I'd consider getting a sporty, flashy Rolex Milgauss.  James Bond would never wear a Milgauss, though, and not just because it lacks a date (let's not forget, after all, that Sean Connery was sporting a no-date Sub in Dr. No back in the 60s when Submariners were cool).  The design of the Milgauss' indices, hands (especially the seconds hand), and crystal (especially the green crystal) is too futuristic and science-nerdy for someone like James Bond, who requires something more traditional and more virile.

From the TV commercials for Skyfall, it looks like Q is now a young, hipster type.  If so, a Milgauss might be perfect for Q.  But remember the old Q, that old guy from the 70s and 80s Bond flicks who always wore tweed and disapproved of 007's cavalier attitude?  I'm sure that geezer very much cared about what the date was.  That guy was hella uptight.  I wouldn't be surprised if that old stickler carried a pocket watch around on a fob.  The old Q was a full-on goofball, as pompous as you like, and I can't imagine that anybody ever gave the slightest shit about his watch.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Peoples Of The World, Unite (But Retain Your Distinct Senses Of Cultural Identity As You Refrain From Genocide)

I've been trying, without a lot of success, to get a handle on the notion of indigenousness as it applies to persons.  These efforts have led me to wonder if the world's population is better thought of as comprising people (i.e., the plural noun defined by the New Oxford American as "human beings in general or considered collectively") or whether it should instead be thought of as comprising peoples (i.e., the pluralization of people, the sometimes-construed-as-singular noun defined by the New Oxford American as "the men, women, and children of a particular nation, community, or ethnic group").*

First, allow me to disclaim any potential suspicions, on the reader's part, of any racist or imperialist sympathies on my part.  I have read Howard Zinn, and I am aware of and appalled by the murders, brutalizations, and general havoc wrought by Christopher Columbus and his cohorts.  I'm against all terrorism.  I'm disgusted by those who would kill for purposes of generating profit, promoting religion, or expanding empire.  Furthermore, despite my name I am not really Italian and, while I'm a huge fan of Verdi's Rig/Trov/Trav, I don't have any particular stake in Italian cultural pride.  I'm glad that Columbus Day has, in many parts of America, come to be known as Indigenous People's Day.

But who, exactly, are the indigenous people?  My dictionary, referenced above, tells me that indigenous means "originating or occurring naturally in a particular place; native."  According to this definition, everyone is indigenous (or, at least, we're all indigenous so long as we are within a reasonably close proximity to the place where we were born).  Perhaps I could argue that, under this definition, test-tube babies aren't indigenous as they're born of unnatural means, but I'm no anthropobiologist or whatever (I'm not even sure what a test-tube baby is…a womb's gotta be involved at some point, right?).

Surely the observance of Indigenous People's Day isn't a celebration of humanity in its entirety, with the possible exception of test-tube babies. (Not that such a holiday shouldn't exist, but wouldn't it simply be called People's Day?)  And certainly Christopher Columbus himself shouldn't be thought of as having been an indigenous person…after all, the purpose of changing the holiday's name was to detract from Columbus' reputation vis-à-vis the reputations of his New World victims and their descendants.

So I dug deeper and googled indigenous people.  The first thing I learned is that Wikipedia doesn't have an entry for "indigenous people"; it only has an entry for "indigenous peoples."  I also learned that the term "[i]ndigenous peoples primarily refers to ethnic groups that have historical ties to groups that existed in a territory prior to colonization or formation of a nation state."

This information in no way allowed me exclude Columbus from the rubric of indigenous persons.  First of all, although I'm not really sure what it means to be ethnic, I'm assuming that Columbus, a Genoese, was ethnic.  (In Oakland, California, where I live, there's an Italian delicatessen called Genova, and I can tell you that the people who run that place are a real swarthy bunch, hella greasy too, and they all have super thick accents...not that there's anything wrong with being swarthy or greasy or accented…besides, the greasiness is probably just a result of working with so many greasy, delicious lunch meats).  Second, the Genoa of Columbus' day, though it had been a city-state for centuries, preceded the formation of any Italian nation-state (indeed, it would be almost 400 more years until the various republics of the Apennine Peninsula would unify and become what we now know as Italy).  Third, I presume that Columbus maintained some sort of ties, at least some of them historical, to his Genoese ancestors and their fellow citizens and that most of these folks must have remained based in Genoa throughout much or all of their lives.  And, thus, I continued to be stuck with the awkward proposition that Columbus, like many or most or all human beings, was an indigenous person.

I didn't want to go on researching this shit all day, and so I concluded that "indigenous people" -- at least, for purposes of Indigenous People's Day -- is a shorthand that refers to indigenous people who are not (and who are not related to) people who have conducted themselves in a terrible, genocidal fashion.  I'm still confused, though, as to whether Indigenous People's Day is dedicated to all such people or only to those who live[d] in the western hemisphere.

As suggested (albeit, obliquely) above, my inquiry into who rightly should be considered an indigenous person involved my clarifying whether today is Indigenous People's Day or whether today is Indigenous Peoples' Day.  Wikipedia, notwithstanding its lack of an "indigenous people" entry, confirmed that today is, in fact, Indigenous People's Day and not Indigenous Peoples' Day.

I question the wisdom of devoting this holiday to indigenous people rather than indigenous peoples.  Maybe I'm splitting hairs here or being overly sensitive, but Indigenous People's Day seems to imply that those being honored are monolithic in their indigenousness, that the people being recognized are defined more by their indigenousness than by their membership in a particular community.  I'm guessing that, if they were to be asked, most indigenous persons would much prefer being identified according to their specific group (e.g., Navajo, Taíno, Hmong) over being identified according to their type of group (i.e., the non-genocidally indigenous).  Therefore, I am recommending that this renamed holiday be renamed Indigenous Peoples' Day.  This second new name would underscore the great diversity of histories and heritages among the world's various indigenous peoples.

__________________________________

*Of course, I use the verb "to comprise" in its proper and time-honored sense (i.e., to consist of or to include, as in "the United States comprises California, Maine, Kansas, etc.") and not in its spuriously conceived and new-fangled sense (i.e., to constitute, as in "California, Maine, Kansas, etc., comprise the United States").  While I welcome the evolution of language to the extent that such evolution enhances our ability to communicate effectively and precisely, bastardizations brought about by people's ignorance and blurry understanding rarely amount to useful linguistic developments.  It's true that "to comprise" has been used to mean "to constitute" so frequently in recent decades that this confused usage has gained legitimacy, but this is a fact about which no self-respecting speaker of English should be proud.  It's worth noting, however, that the rampant and obscene abuse of "to comprise" pales when compared to the horror of people using the term "to beg the question" to indicate that a question not yet addressed has been implicitly raised rather than to indicate that some party is assuming, without argument, the truth of a proposition to be proved.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Aborting The First Born

"The number of children who are born subsequent to a first abortion with handicaps has increased dramatically.  Why?  Because when you abort the first born of any, nature takes its vengeance on the subsequent children."
    ̴  Robert G. "Bob" Marshall, Virginia Delegate (i.e., State legislator)

Because I'm a feminist and because the abortion issue is really all about the oppression of women, in all good conscience I must disagree with whatever Bob Marshall has to say.  He's a total jerk, a real primo fuckwad, and I have no reason to trust his statistics (if, indeed, he has any).  But I gotta admit that I do love a part of the wacky way that these conservative Republicans think.  The idea of nature punishing specifically chosen kids is just so great.  It's much more interesting than any explanatory medical details could ever be.

Bob Marshall's worldview is like believing in Zeus or Ra or some shit. It's full-on kooky!  It really is fascinating and I think that maybe I want to believe it.

When dinosaurs like Bob Marshall die out, our culture will see a net gain but, still, we'll have lost something precious.  The lore may carry evil and ignorance (indeed, the lore may have been born itself of evil and ignorance), and yet it is our heritage.

Monday, September 3, 2012

can-of-worms award for best: essay on labor

goes to...

In Praise of Idleness [by Bertrand Russell, 1932]

Like most of my generation, I was brought up on the saying: "Satan finds some mischief for idle hands to do." Being a highly virtuous child, I believed all that I was told, and acquired a conscience which has kept me working hard down to the present moment. But although my conscience has controlled my actions, my opinions have undergone a revolution. I think that there is far too much work done in the world, that immense harm is caused by the belief that work is virtuous, and that what needs to be preached in modern industrial countries is quite different from what always has been preached. Everyone knows the story of the traveler in Naples who saw twelve beggars lying in the sun (it was before the days of Mussolini), and offered a lira to the laziest of them. Eleven of them jumped up to claim it, so he gave it to the twelfth. This traveler was on the right lines. But in countries which do not enjoy Mediterranean sunshine idleness is more difficult, and a great public propaganda will be required to inaugurate it. I hope that, after reading the following pages, the leaders of the YMCA will start a campaign to induce good young men to do nothing. If so, I shall not have lived in vain.

Before advancing my own arguments for laziness, I must dispose of one which I cannot accept. Whenever a person who already has enough to live on proposes to engage in some everyday kind of job, such as school-teaching or typing, he or she is told that such conduct takes the bread out of other people's mouths, and is therefore wicked. If this argument were valid, it would only be necessary for us all to be idle in order that we should all have our mouths full of bread. What people who say such things forget is that what a man earns he usually spends, and in spending he gives employment. As long as a man spends his income, he puts just as much bread into people's mouths in spending as he takes out of other people's mouths in earning. The real villain, from this point of view, is the man who saves. If he merely puts his savings in a stocking, like the proverbial French peasant, it is obvious that they do not give employment. If he invests his savings, the matter is less obvious, and different cases arise.

One of the commonest things to do with savings is to lend them to some Government. In view of the fact that the bulk of the public expenditure of most civilized Governments consists in payment for past wars or preparation for future wars, the man who lends his money to a Government is in the same position as the bad men in Shakespeare who hire murderers. The net result of the man's economical habits is to increase the armed forces of the State to which he lends his savings. Obviously it would be better if he spent the money, even if he spent it in drink or gambling.

But, I shall be told, the case is quite different when savings are invested in industrial enterprises. When such enterprises succeed, and produce something useful, this may be conceded. In these days, however, no one will deny that most enterprises fail. That means that a large amount of human labor, which might have been devoted to producing something that could be enjoyed, was expended on producing machines which, when produced, lay idle and did no good to anyone. The man who invests his savings in a concern that goes bankrupt is therefore injuring others as well as himself. If he spent his money, say, in giving parties for his friends, they (we may hope) would get pleasure, and so would all those upon whom he spent money, such as the butcher, the baker, and the bootlegger. But if he spends it (let us say) upon laying down rails for surface cars in some place where surface cars turn out not to be wanted, he has diverted a mass of labor into channels where it gives pleasure to no one. Nevertheless, when he becomes poor through failure of his investment he will be regarded as a victim of undeserved misfortune, whereas the gay spendthrift, who has spent his money philanthropically, will be despised as a fool and a frivolous person.

All this is only preliminary. I want to say, in all seriousness, that a great deal of harm is being done in the modern world by belief in the virtuousness of work, and that the road to happiness and prosperity lies in an organized diminution of work.

First of all: what is work? Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so. The first kind is unpleasant and ill paid; the second is pleasant and highly paid. The second kind is capable of indefinite extension: there are not only those who give orders, but those who give advice as to what orders should be given. Usually two opposite kinds of advice are given simultaneously by two organized bodies of men; this is called politics. The skill required for this kind of work is not knowledge of the subjects as to which advice is given, but knowledge of the art of persuasive speaking and writing, i.e. of advertising.

Throughout Europe, though not in America, there is a third class of men, more respected than either of the classes of workers. There are men who, through ownership of land, are able to make others pay for the privilege of being allowed to exist and to work. These landowners are idle, and I might therefore be expected to praise them. Unfortunately, their idleness is only rendered possible by the industry of others; indeed their desire for comfortable idleness is historically the source of the whole gospel of work. The last thing they have ever wished is that others should follow their example.

From the beginning of civilization until the Industrial Revolution, a man could, as a rule, produce by hard work little more than was required for the subsistence of himself and his family, although his wife worked at least as hard as he did, and his children added their labor as soon as they were old enough to do so. The small surplus above bare necessaries was not left to those who produced it, but was appropriated by warriors and priests. In times of famine there was no surplus; the warriors and priests, however, still secured as much as at other times, with the result that many of the workers died of hunger. This system persisted in Russia until 1917 [note: since then, members of the Communist Party have succeeded to this privilege of the warriors and priests], and still persists in the East; in England, in spite of the Industrial Revolution, it remained in full force throughout the Napoleonic wars, and until a hundred years ago, when the new class of manufacturers acquired power. In America, the system came to an end with the Revolution, except in the South, where it persisted until the Civil War. A system which lasted so long and ended so recently has naturally left a profound impress upon men's thoughts and opinions. Much that we take for granted about the desirability of work is derived from this system, and, being pre-industrial, is not adapted to the modern world. Modern technique has made it possible for leisure, within limits, to be not the prerogative of small privileged classes, but a right evenly distributed throughout the community. The morality of work is the morality of slaves, and the modern world has no need of slavery.

It is obvious that, in primitive communities, peasants, left to themselves, would not have parted with the slender surplus upon which the warriors and priests subsisted, but would have either produced less or consumed more. At first, sheer force compelled them to produce and part with the surplus. Gradually, however, it was found possible to induce many of them to accept an ethic according to which it was their duty to work hard, although part of their work went to support others in idleness. By this means the amount of compulsion required was lessened, and the expenses of government were diminished. To this day, 99 per cent of British wage-earners would be genuinely shocked if it were proposed that the King should not have a larger income than a working man. The conception of duty, speaking historically, has been a means used by the holders of power to induce others to live for the interests of their masters rather than for their own. Of course the holders of power conceal this fact from themselves by managing to believe that their interests are identical with the larger interests of humanity. Sometimes this is true; Athenian slave-owners, for instance, employed part of their leisure in making a permanent contribution to civilization which would have been impossible under a just economic system. Leisure is essential to civilization, and in former times leisure for the few was only rendered possible by the labors of the many. But their labors were valuable, not because work is good, but because leisure is good. And with modern technique it would be possible to distribute leisure justly without injury to civilization.

Modern technique has made it possible to diminish enormously the amount of labor required to secure the necessaries of life for everyone. This was made obvious during the war. At that time all the men in the armed forces, and all the men and women engaged in the production of munitions, all the men and women engaged in spying, war propaganda, or Government offices connected with the war, were withdrawn from productive occupations. In spite of this, the general level of well-being among unskilled wage-earners on the side of the Allies was higher than before or since. The significance of this fact was concealed by finance: borrowing made it appear as if the future was nourishing the present. But that, of course, would have been impossible; a man cannot eat a loaf of bread that does not yet exist. The war showed conclusively that, by the scientific organization of production, it is possible to keep modern populations in fair comfort on a small part of the working capacity of the modern world. If, at the end of the war, the scientific organization, which had been created in order to liberate men for fighting and munition work, had been preserved, and the hours of the week had been cut down to four, all would have been well. Instead of that the old chaos was restored, those whose work was demanded were made to work long hours, and the rest were left to starve as unemployed. Why? Because work is a duty, and a man should not receive wages in proportion to what he has produced, but in proportion to his virtue as exemplified by his industry.

This is the morality of the Slave State, applied in circumstances totally unlike those in which it arose. No wonder the result has been disastrous. Let us take an illustration. Suppose that, at a given moment, a certain number of people are engaged in the manufacture of pins. They make as many pins as the world needs, working (say) eight hours a day. Someone makes an invention by which the same number of men can make twice as many pins: pins are already so cheap that hardly any more will be bought at a lower price. In a sensible world, everybody concerned in the manufacturing of pins would take to working four hours instead of eight, and everything else would go on as before. But in the actual world this would be thought demoralizing. The men still work eight hours, there are too many pins, some employers go bankrupt, and half the men previously concerned in making pins are thrown out of work. There is, in the end, just as much leisure as on the other plan, but half the men are totally idle while half are still overworked. In this way, it is insured that the unavoidable leisure shall cause misery all round instead of being a universal source of happiness. Can anything more insane be imagined?

The idea that the poor should have leisure has always been shocking to the rich. In England, in the early nineteenth century, fifteen hours was the ordinary day's work for a man; children sometimes did as much, and very commonly did twelve hours a day. When meddlesome busybodies suggested that perhaps these hours were rather long, they were told that work kept adults from drink and children from mischief. When I was a child, shortly after urban working men had acquired the vote, certain public holidays were established by law, to the great indignation of the upper classes. I remember hearing an old Duchess say: "What do the poor want with holidays? They ought to work." People nowadays are less frank, but the sentiment persists, and is the source of much of our economic confusion.

Let us, for a moment, consider the ethics of work frankly, without superstition. Every human being, of necessity, consumes, in the course of his life, a certain amount of the produce of human labor. Assuming, as we may, that labor is on the whole disagreeable, it is unjust that a man should consume more than he produces. Of course he may provide services rather than commodities, like a medical man, for example; but he should provide something in return for his board and lodging. To this extent, the duty of work must be admitted, but to this extent only.

I shall not dwell upon the fact that, in all modern societies outside the USSR, many people escape even this minimum amount of work, namely all those who inherit money and all those who marry money. I do not think the fact that these people are allowed to be idle is nearly so harmful as the fact that wage-earners are expected to overwork or starve.

If the ordinary wage-earner worked four hours a day, there would be enough for everybody and no unemployment -- assuming a certain very moderate amount of sensible organization. This idea shocks the well-to-do, because they are convinced that the poor would not know how to use so much leisure. In America men often work long hours even when they are well off; such men, naturally, are indignant at the idea of leisure for wage-earners, except as the grim punishment of unemployment; in fact, they dislike leisure even for their sons. Oddly enough, while they wish their sons to work so hard as to have no time to be civilized, they do not mind their wives and daughters having no work at all. The snobbish admiration of uselessness, which, in an aristocratic society, extends to both sexes, is, under a plutocracy, confined to women; this, however, does not make it any more in agreement with common sense.

The wise use of leisure, it must be conceded, is a product of civilization and education. A man who has worked long hours all his life will become bored if he becomes suddenly idle. But without a considerable amount of leisure a man is cut off from many of the best things. There is no longer any reason why the bulk of the population should suffer this deprivation; only a foolish asceticism, usually vicarious, makes us continue to insist on work in excessive quantities now that the need no longer exists.

In the new creed which controls the government of Russia, while there is much that is very different from the traditional teaching of the West, there are some things that are quite unchanged. The attitude of the governing classes, and especially of those who conduct educational propaganda, on the subject of the dignity of labor, is almost exactly that which the governing classes of the world have always preached to what were called the "honest poor". Industry, sobriety, willingness to work long hours for distant advantages, even submissiveness to authority, all these reappear; moreover authority still represents the will of the Ruler of the Universe, Who, however, is now called by a new name, Dialectical Materialism.

The victory of the proletariat in Russia has some points in common with the victory of the feminists in some other countries. For ages, men had conceded the superior saintliness of women, and had consoled women for their inferiority by maintaining that saintliness is more desirable than power. At last the feminists decided that they would have both, since the pioneers among them believed all that the men had told them about the desirability of virtue, but not what they had told them about the worthlessness of political power. A similar thing has happened in Russia as regards manual work. For ages, the rich and their sycophants have written in praise of "honest toil", have praised the simple life, have professed a religion which teaches that the poor are much more likely to go to heaven than the rich, and in general have tried to make manual workers believe that there is some special nobility about altering the position of matter in space, just as men tried to make women believe that they derived some special nobility from their sexual enslavement. In Russia, all this teaching about the excellence of manual work has been taken seriously, with the result that the manual worker is more honored than anyone else. What are, in essence, revivalist appeals are made, but not for the old purposes: they are made to secure shock workers for special tasks. Manual work is the ideal which is held before the young, and is the basis of all ethical teaching.

For the present, possibly, this is all to the good. A large country, full of natural resources, awaits development, and has has to be developed with very little use of credit. In these circumstances, hard work is necessary, and is likely to bring a great reward. But what will happen when the point has been reached where everybody could be comfortable without working long hours?

In the West, we have various ways of dealing with this problem. We have no attempt at economic justice, so that a large proportion of the total produce goes to a small minority of the population, many of whom do no work at all. Owing to the absence of any central control over production, we produce hosts of things that are not wanted. We keep a large percentage of the working population idle, because we can dispense with their labor by making the others overwork. When all these methods prove inadequate, we have a war: we cause a number of people to manufacture high explosives, and a number of others to explode them, as if we were children who had just discovered fireworks. By a combination of all these devices we manage, though with difficulty, to keep alive the notion that a great deal of severe manual work must be the lot of the average man.

In Russia, owing to more economic justice and central control over production, the problem will have to be differently solved. The rational solution would be, as soon as the necessaries and elementary comforts can be provided for all, to reduce the hours of labor gradually, allowing a popular vote to decide, at each stage, whether more leisure or more goods were to be preferred. But, having taught the supreme virtue of hard work, it is difficult to see how the authorities can aim at a paradise in which there will be much leisure and little work. It seems more likely that they will find continually fresh schemes, by which present leisure is to be sacrificed to future productivity. I read recently of an ingenious plan put forward by Russian engineers, for making the White Sea and the northern coasts of Siberia warm, by putting a dam across the Kara Sea. An admirable project, but liable to postpone proletarian comfort for a generation, while the nobility of toil is being displayed amid the ice-fields and snowstorms of the Arctic Ocean. This sort of thing, if it happens, will be the result of regarding the virtue of hard work as an end in itself, rather than as a means to a state of affairs in which it is no longer needed.

The fact is that moving matter about, while a certain amount of it is necessary to our existence, is emphatically not one of the ends of human life. If it were, we should have to consider every navvy superior to Shakespeare. We have been misled in this matter by two causes. One is the necessity of keeping the poor contented, which has led the rich, for thousands of years, to preach the dignity of labor, while taking care themselves to remain undignified in this respect. The other is the new pleasure in mechanism, which makes us delight in the astonishingly clever changes that we can produce on the earth's surface. Neither of these motives makes any great appeal to the actual worker. If you ask him what he thinks the best part of his life, he is not likely to say: "I enjoy manual work because it makes me feel that I am fulfilling man's noblest task, and because I like to think how much man can transform his planet. It is true that my body demands periods of rest, which I have to fill in as best I may, but I am never so happy as when the morning comes and I can return to the toil from which my contentment springs." I have never heard working men say this sort of thing. They consider work, as it should be considered, a necessary means to a livelihood, and it is from their leisure that they derive whatever happiness they may enjoy.

It will be said that, while a little leisure is pleasant, men would not know how to fill their days if they had only four hours of work out of the twenty-four. In so far as this is true in the modern world, it is a condemnation of our civilization; it would not have been true at any earlier period. There was formerly a capacity for light-heartedness and play which has been to some extent inhibited by the cult of efficiency. The modern man thinks that everything ought to be done for the sake of something else, and never for its own sake. Serious-minded persons, for example, are continually condemning the habit of going to the cinema, and telling us that it leads the young into crime. But all the work that goes to producing a cinema is respectable, because it is work, and because it brings a money profit. The notion that the desirable activities are those that bring a profit has made everything topsy-turvy. The butcher who provides you with meat and the baker who provides you with bread are praiseworthy, because they are making money; but when you enjoy the food they have provided, you are merely frivolous, unless you eat only to get strength for your work. Broadly speaking, it is held that getting money is good and spending money is bad. Seeing that they are two sides of one transaction, this is absurd; one might as well maintain that keys are good, but keyholes are bad. Whatever merit there may be in the production of goods must be entirely derivative from the advantage to be obtained by consuming them. The individual, in our society, works for profit; but the social purpose of his work lies in the consumption of what he produces. It is this divorce between the individual and the social purpose of production that makes it so difficult for men to think clearly in a world in which profit-making is the incentive to industry. We think too much of production, and too little of consumption. One result is that we attach too little importance to enjoyment and simple happiness, and that we do not judge production by the pleasure that it gives to the consumer.

When I suggest that working hours should be reduced to four, I am not meaning to imply that all the remaining time should necessarily be spent in pure frivolity. I mean that four hours' work a day should entitle a man to the necessities and elementary comforts of life, and that the rest of his time should be his to use as he might see fit. It is an essential part of any such social system that education should be carried further than it usually is at present, and should aim, in part, at providing tastes which would enable a man to use leisure intelligently. I am not thinking mainly of the sort of things that would be considered "highbrow". Peasant dances have died out except in remote rural areas, but the impulses which caused them to be cultivated must still exist in human nature. The pleasures of urban populations have become mainly passive: seeing cinemas, watching football matches, listening to the radio, and so on. This results from the fact that their active energies are fully taken up with work; if they had more leisure, they would again enjoy pleasures in which they took an active part.

In the past, there was a small leisure class and a larger working class. The leisure class enjoyed advantages for which there was no basis in social justice; this necessarily made it oppressive, limited its sympathies, and caused it to invent theories by which to justify its privileges. These facts greatly diminished its excellence, but in spite of this drawback it contributed nearly the whole of what we call civilization. It cultivated the arts and discovered the sciences; it wrote the books, invented the philosophies, and refined social relations. Even the liberation of the oppressed has usually been inaugurated from above. Without the leisure class, mankind would never have emerged from barbarism.

The method of a leisure class without duties was, however, extraordinarily wasteful. None of the members of the class had to be taught to be industrious, and the class as a whole was not exceptionally intelligent. The class might produce one Darwin, but against him had to be set tens of thousands of country gentlemen who never thought of anything more intelligent than fox-hunting and punishing poachers. At present, the universities are supposed to provide, in a more systematic way, what the leisure class provided accidentally and as a by-product. This is a great improvement, but it has certain drawbacks. University life is so different from life in the world at large that men who live in academic milieu tend to be unaware of the preoccupations and problems of ordinary men and women; moreover their ways of expressing themselves are usually such as to rob their opinions of the influence that they ought to have upon the general public. Another disadvantage is that in universities studies are organized, and the man who thinks of some original line of research is likely to be discouraged. Academic institutions, therefore, useful as they are, are not adequate guardians of the interests of civilization in a world where everyone outside their walls is too busy for unutilitarian pursuits.

In a world where no one is compelled to work more than four hours a day, every person possessed of scientific curiosity will be able to indulge it, and every painter will be able to paint without starving, however excellent his pictures may be. Young writers will not be obliged to draw attention to themselves by sensational pot-boilers, with a view to acquiring the economic independence needed for monumental works, for which, when the time at last comes, they will have lost the taste and capacity. Men who, in their professional work, have become interested in some phase of economics or government, will be able to develop their ideas without the academic detachment that makes the work of university economists often seem lacking in reality. Medical men will have the time to learn about the progress of medicine, teachers will not be exasperatedly struggling to teach by routine methods things which they learnt in their youth, which may, in the interval, have been proved to be untrue.

Above all, there will be happiness and joy of life, instead of frayed nerves, weariness, and dyspepsia. The work exacted will be enough to make leisure delightful, but not enough to produce exhaustion. Since men will not be tired in their spare time, they will not demand only such amusements as are passive and vapid. At least one per cent will probably devote the time not spent in professional work to pursuits of some public importance, and, since they will not depend upon these pursuits for their livelihood, their originality will be unhampered, and there will be no need to conform to the standards set by elderly pundits. But it is not only in these exceptional cases that the advantages of leisure will appear. Ordinary men and women, having the opportunity of a happy life, will become more kindly and less persecuting and less inclined to view others with suspicion. The taste for war will die out, partly for this reason, and partly because it will involve long and severe work for all. Good nature is, of all moral qualities, the one that the world needs most, and good nature is the result of ease and security, not of a life of arduous struggle. Modern methods of production have given us the possibility of ease and security for all; we have chosen, instead, to have overwork for some and starvation for others. Hitherto we have continued to be as energetic as we were before there were machines; in this we have been foolish, but there is no reason to go on being foolish forever.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Tonight El Chupacabra Eats Someone's Baby

Descending the hills on its way to town, the chupacabra is in transition.  As it moves, propelled by hunger, it forgets its fearfully cautious nature and assumes an aggressive boldness.  It's getting pumped up, if you will, psyched.  It becomes ferocious.

The loathsome beast spends most of its life hiding from the world of man, shivering and starving in the wilderness, terrified at the treatment it instinctively knows it would receive at the hands of civilization.  It spins in circles biting at its hindquarters and tail; its fur's in tatters wherever its jaws can reach.  The bald patches, along with the lesions over much of its body, give it the appearance of spots.  (Well, actually, I suppose the appearance of spots *is* spots.)

It lives its life in lonely isolation.  But a couple of times each month, on nights like tonight, it must eat.  And so it comes to town to find a baby, which, to the chupacabra, is the only delicious thing.  Whose baby will it eat?

Whose baby is it?  Do individuals belong to themselves?  Autonomy's supposed to be so great so perhaps they do but, still, it's hard to say that if we leave aside the baby itself then nobody's baby has been eaten when a baby gets eaten.  It was somebody's baby.  The chupacabra just ate somebody's plump and juicy little baby!  The parents, the state, the community, the tribe, the church...?

Personally, I think a baby is the baby's generation's baby.  After all, those are the people with whom it's going to spend the most time (or with whom it would have spent the most time, as the case may be).  Time spent is pretty much what life's all about, and so perhaps it is our contemporaries to whom we belong.  The great thing about this theory is that we're all babies when we lose our babies, and so it doesn't impact us emotionally because we never remember it...we didn't even know it was happening at the time. Babies have no idea what's going on.

It's important to recognize, though, that getting eaten by a chupacabra is not a "victimless crime."  The victim, of course, is the baby who was eaten.  That baby loses everything.  The chupacabra may have never injured us personally, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't despise it.  It is a despicable thing.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Yeah, that all sounds great, but what if God IS a grammar nazi?

You know how people sometimes say, "God only knows [about this or that]"? Usually it's when you've just asked them a question about something and they don't know the answer and they shrug or sigh and say, "God only knows." It's grammatically incorrect. Well, it's either grammatically incorrect or else it's doctrinally incorrect. It implies that [this or that] is the only topic about which God has knowledge, but we all know (or should know) that God is omniscient. Omniscience is part of His definition and so He has to have it (that's Cartesian, right?). So people should rather say, "Only God knows [about this or that]" or "Only God knows."

A dollar to a doughnut says that God's not at all happy about people so often misspeaking this way. It'd piss me off if I were Him. (I wish I were God so that I could just write, "It'd piss Me off.") And it's such a simple thing! And the stakes are pretty high, too...might wanna try getting it right.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Smokers' Rights Are Human Rights

For Pete's sake, Californians, today's the day to do the right thing.  Vote "no" on 29, please!  The smoking community has suffered enough.

Honestly, a dollar a pack is no joke.  That's hundreds of dollars per year!  What the hell?

I really will be so disappointed if you people decide to screw me out of several hundred dollars each year.  I'm already subsidizing your children's early childhood educations.  What more do you want from me?

These past two decades of ever increasing marginalization and oppression need to end.  It's time to recognize this hateful campaign against smokers for what it is: a vicious assault on our civil rights.

Seriously, I think you're all a buncha fuckin' nazis.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Let's Not Get Physical

My friends all tell me that I'm fat and weak and that I should exercise. They say that working out would give me increased energy, and I believe them. But what do you think I'd be doing with all of that extra energy? That's right, you guessed it: I'd be working out. It sounds like a push to me, a wash, a big waste of time.

Exercising for longevity's sake is wasting time now to buy time later. My friends say that it isn't about longevity specifically or even about health generally but, rather, that it's about looking good. But I say that if you're good-looking then you'll still be attractive when plump, and if you're ugly then being thin won't help you.

Most people are ugly; they should try not to worry about it. Besides, I could be gorgeous as all get-out, but what good is that going to do me at the gym? How am I supposed to get laid in a gym? It might be different if I were gay, but I'm straight. There's no way. You'd need a unisex steam room or sauna or something.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Good Friday Weekend

When I was a youngster, we'd always get a nice vacation come Eastertide. "Easter vacation," we called it. We'd get a week off from our studies, either the week before Easter or the week after Easter. Then -- for reasons of political correctness, I suppose -- they changed it to "spring break."

At first, the change was merely terminological: they continued to schedule spring break during the week immediately before or after Easter. By the time I got to college, though, spring break didn't necessarily coincide with Easter time. In fact, it usually didn't. It was truly no longer an Easter vacation.

I never cared what they called it, though, so long as I got my week off around early April. For me, the name of the holiday was totally irrelevant.

Then I finished my schooling, and suddenly I no longer got shit with respect to any time off in April. The nomenclatural issue had become irrelevant in a whole new way.

Without this time off, I became bitter (as those deprived of leisure are wont to do) and disgruntled, and for decades I considered strategies for building some sort of a socio-political movement that would bring a week-long holiday to all working people, laborers and professionals alike, in late March or early April. Why should the students have all the fun?

Eventually I realized that my dream of a spring break for adults was never going to be a reality. There was simply too much work to be done. Sure, it was all well and good for young people to take a week off in order to go drink beer and do drugs and hump each other till chafed...let's face it, they probably wouldn't have been attending that many classes that week anyway. But if the nation's mature, employed citizens were to stop reporting for duty for an entire week, well, then that'd be an entirely different story. Civilization would grind to a fucking standstill.

Somebody has to bring the butter to market, you see. Someone has to chop up all the cows, and somebody else has to squeeze all the oranges to make juice. And it's not like hot water and electricity and the Internet are going to just magically pump themselves to us. No, people need to show up each morning around 9am; otherwise, none of this shit gets done.

My vision of a universal, week-long spring break was a chimera, and to continue pursuing it would have been madness. I let it go.

Still, April's the perfect time of year for a new three-day weekend because April is, quite arguably, the bleakest of months. First of all, it's a holiday wasteland. You got your Cesar Chavez Day (if you were lucky) in March and then there's Memorial Day in late May, but in April there's nothing. The glow of Yule has long since faded, and the warmth of summer is still but an inchoate promise. Plus it's tax season, and so April is a sad, dark time that groans in its misery and begs for relief. Of course, I now understand that it isn't feasible to give everyone an entire week off, but I'll bet that society could afford one more three-day weekend.

Unfortunately, since Easter Sunday always falls on a Sunday (duh) it has no potential as an anchor for a new three-day weekend. Who needs a day off to celebrate a day off? That's why we who would effect change should all stop emphasizing Easter so much and why we should start taking Good Friday a lot more seriously. Besides, Good Friday's where all the action is anyway. After all, it was on Friday that Christ took the hit for us (praise Him!). It was Good Friday when His glorious sacrifice absolved us of our sins. It was Good Friday when His sufferings set humanity loose from the chains of damnation. After Friday, whatever happened to Jesus was pretty much Jesus' problem. I mean, I guess everything worked out okay for Him in the end, which is great, but whatever....

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Physical Education

As a youngster, I took considerable pride in my ability to easily touch my toes. I had countless opportunities to display this prowess as it seemed that toe-touching (with one's knees locked, of course) was the cornerstone of all calisthenics. My peers would always moan and groan whenever it was time to touch one's toes, but I'd perform the task with gusto. If we were standing rather than sitting then I liked to fold my wrists out and press my palms flat against the ground in order to better demonstrate my great stretchiness. My classmates and teammates mocked me for supposedly being a showoff, but I felt it right to celebrate my achievement.

In my early teens, it dawned on me that the reason I could touch my toes with such ease was that my torso was disproportionately long. Or, rather, I should say that my legs were disproportionately short.

Obviously I immediately became terribly embarrassed of my short legs. I started wearing motorcycle boots with heels so as to get that extra centimeter or two of leg length. Had cross-dressing been a viable option, I would have switched to dresses as I thought they might better hide my shamefully meager legs/torso ratio.

Needless to say, I stopped reveling in my ability to touch my toes. For me, toe-touching became psychological torture. It was physical torture also. As the angle created by my torso and legs became more acute, so did my nausea. I'm sure my parents would have been willing to apply for some sort of medical waiver exempting me from PE, but I knew that if I revealed my newfound distaste for toe-touching then I ran the risk that my peers would catch on to me and notice my teeny, tiny legs. They'd tear me to shreds. "Hey, knuckle-scraper," they'd say, "why don't you go climb a tree? The Neanderthals called; they said you gotta go home soon. Dance like a monkey for me, bitch." Kids can be so cruel.

So I started gradually reducing the apparent enthusiasm with which I'd touch my toes. Every day I'd go through the motions of toe-touching with a slightly less impressive show of élan than I'd put on the previous day. Eventually I was touching my toes in a completely lackluster fashion. The constant struggle, of course, was to not vomit.

I dreamed of grumbling alongside my proportionate friends; I envied them their gall as they whined ridiculously just because they had to bend their bodies in mildly uncomfortable ways while not even slightly nauseated. Sadly, theirs was a destiny not for me, not even to fake.

But then came college and with it some degree of liberation. I had a whole new set of peers and, except for summers and Christmases, I could be whomever I wanted to be.

College didn't have a PE requirement, and so I signed up for an elective, one-unit gym class. It wasn't really much of a class, though; everybody just came in and started lifting weights or whatever. There weren't any mandatory calisthenics. Nobody made anybody do anything. I spent the course wincing and complaining while I touched my toes on the mat in the corner. Occasionally someone would ask me why I was in pain, and I'd say that I must've pulled my hamstring or something but that, hell, I'd never really liked touching my toes anyway. "You're not supposed to be able to touch your toes," I'd say. "They're too far away. You gotta bend your knees."

By the end of the semester, I'd overcome my nausea. Shortly afterward, I realized that I had no interest in any sports or fitness activities that emphasized the physicality of my legs. (I did start working on my biceps and triceps, though, and to this day I have some pretty sweet guns.)

Later, in grad school, I discovered that I was at my best when seated. My long, gracefully august torso would tower over tables and desks, and I would govern proceedings with magnanimous bearing and much largesse. Sitting around a table, I was almost invariably the tallest fellow. Meanwhile, underneath the table, my little legs, without a care in the world, would swing idly from my chair. I tried to arrive early for classes and sessions so that I could always be seated by the time that everyone else arrived.

I took to wearing a hat while in transit. When I walked, I was like a duck on land, a self-conscious duck with a hat: my tiny legs, without the obscurity afforded by pond scum and murky water, struggled visibly to propel my substantial and impressive upper body with appropriate dignity, and so I would constantly fuss with my hat to draw attention away from my perverse gait. When forced by circumstance to arrive late to a meeting, I'd wave my hat with great flourish in order to distract people as I entered the room and headed quickly for my chair.

Now I'm fast approaching middle age and until this morning I hadn't toe-touched in decades. (I do, of course, continue to bathe my toes and clip my toenails as necessary, but I always bend my knees.) This morning, though, I happened to be sitting on the floor and I decided, "What the hell, why not? For old times' sake…."

I could do it, but only with extreme discomfort and only for about a half a second at a time. I sat there on my jute rug, my arms and legs outstretched, and I bobbed toward my toes. With the seventh or eighth bob, I experienced a painful muscle spasm in my mid-to-lower left back. Then the pain spread to a nerve running down from that section of my back through my left hip and into my left leg. The pain radiated out and into my bowels and left testicle. It was excruciating, and it lasted almost an hour. I remained on my floor, crumpled and whimpering, waiting for my suffering to pass. For a while there I thought I was going to need to call for an ambulance. Finally the pain subsided.

I feel a lot better now, I guess, but I won't be trying that exercise again any time soon. Only a fool doesn't learn from his mistakes.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Free Time

Extra time being the greatest conceivable gift, I've been getting pretty fuckin' pumped about Leap Day. Everything that happened tomorrow was gonna be like gravy, like a free side of icing with my already iced cake. But then I realized that tomorrow's Wednesday and I just gotta go to work. Why couldn't Leap Day fall on a weekend, goddammit?!

I guess it's a good thing anyway, though. Shit's been pilin' up pretty bad at the office and I definitely could use the extra day to catch up...boss man's been on my ass lately like sticky on putty.

Fun fact: in Muslim cultures, Wednesday is their Friday (i.e., the workweek's final day, which is, as we all know, the weekend in spirit). Lucky bastards....

Saturday, February 11, 2012

A Hardscrabble Life

Whenever I start a new game with someone on the Internet Scrabble Club, I say "hi and gl," which means "hi and good luck." It's pretty much standard practice to do so (although a lot of folks simply write "gl"...the salutation is implied, I guess); everyone types "hi gl" or "gl" or whatever into their respective message fields while they're waiting to be connected to an opponent and then, once connected, they just hit the send button real quick as they begin playing. But I never mean it. I'm always actually wishing them the worst of luck. I'm hoping that I'll get both of the blanks. I want the x, the z, the j, and a steady supply of esses. I want everybody else to keep pulling cees and vees. Fuck 'em. I don't care about those people. And I don't believe that they really care about me. It's a dance of lies.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Open Letter To The Chinese

Dear Chinese people,

There are no dragons. There were pterodactyls, but that was millions of years ago. Dragons are total bullshit. So you're celebrating the year of the total bullshit. I don't even know what a lunar year is. At least the other animals in your zodiac are all real.

I'm not trying to denigrate your culture. I know your food is awesome, and I'm sure you have a lot of other great stuff going on too. But the whole "dragons" thing is bullshit. You're not fooling anybody.

Yours truly,
Il Vermicello

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Mary Mota

My new pot dealer, Mary, is now selling hash! (She is, of course, continuing to offer her kind, green bud as well. She's so cool. She rides around on her bicycle delivering shit. I think she might be nutz (not 'cause of the bicycle, per se, but just generally (well, actually, the bike often does factor heavily into her weirdness (either the gears aren't working just right or she fell off of it and hit her head ("...good thing I was wearin' my helmet...brains woulda been like chili on the street...ha, ha, Bloody Mary!") or she's asking me if I "think the law sez [she's] gotta carry [her] bike light around even during the day so that [she's], like, ready for the night when it comes?" or some such shit))).

Another weird thing is that it seems like there's always some sort of a pig (OPD, BPD, BART, whatever) who just happens to be stationed right there or who's driving by or poking around or whatever whenever and wherever Mary and I meet up; we often have to wait a couple minutes or else we have to walk around a corner or something in order to do our bizness. (At first she kept suggesting that maybe all the pigs had something to do with me (and I kept arguing that there's just too many pigs around, that's all, and that neither of us was a narc (while simultaneously intimating that, for all that I knew, it was she who was the narc)), but by now we've pretty much learned to accept it as coincidence. It is weird, though.)) Hash!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Slow And Steady Wins The Race

I'd like to have a turtle with a realistic likeness of my face emblazoned on its back. That way, since the turtle would presumably outlive me, it'd be like I'd always have a little me crawling around the apartment...hanging out on the floor, sleeping, molting or whatever. I can't imagine why I wouldn't make pleasant company. And I mostly eat lettuce (very slowly), so it'd take only pennies a day to feed me. I wonder if I could learn to crap inside of a cat box or something.

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