Dear Chinese people,
There are no dragons. There were pterodactyls, but that was millions of years ago. Dragons are total bullshit. So you're celebrating the year of the total bullshit. I don't even know what a lunar year is. At least the other animals in your zodiac are all real.
I'm not trying to denigrate your culture. I know your food is awesome, and I'm sure you have a lot of other great stuff going on too. But the whole "dragons" thing is bullshit. You're not fooling anybody.
Yours truly,
Il Vermicello
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Dear Mr. Il Vermicello:
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback on our Year of the Dragon. As a people, we recognize that the dragon (which you insist is based on myth) symbolizes great fortune and prosperity.
We regret to inform you that, due to your comment, you will be ineligible to receive the aforementioned benefits. Your year will likely be filled with mishaps and catastrophes of the highest order.
We have also decided to revoke your right to purchase any products made in China. It's very likely, then, that you will not be able to acquire virtually anything that is for sale, with the possible exception of an American flag. But most of those are made in China, too.
Wishing you the worst of luck,
The Chinese People
Jeez, Chinese Louise...I said that I wasn't trying to denigrate anyone's culture. You people sure are curmudgeonly. I have no idea why you're so curmudgeonly. You're inscrutably curmudgeonly.
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