Good, Oldfangled Love

I just had a wonderful idea for a ballet: Romeo ‘n’ Juliet in caveman times, the Homo sapiens versus the Neanderthals. I’m assuming, probably only because I’m a modern human who’s ego[t]istic and male, that Romeo would be one of the Homo sapiens. This, in turn, got me thinking about what it would have been like to have had opportunities to have sex with Neanderthal women.

First off, let me say that if I were up in some communal cave somewhere living with some people and none of the human-being ladies were giving me any play but close by, maybe down in the valley, there were a bunch of Neanderthal chicks wandering around looking for some hot sex action then I’d be thinking of a thousand reasons why I needed to go down into the valley for a bit. You see, sex is my thing, y’all, and I gotta be me. I realize that Neanderthals, while of our genus, are not of our species and so humping on them is bestiality, but I don’t give a shit. First of all, I’m not so sure that bestiality was even taboo thirty thousand years ago. More importantly, I think it’s important to always err on the side of not being a bigot. Plus I’ve always loved animals.

So the question isn’t whether I’d’ve humped a Neanderthal in a pinch but, rather, whether I would have preferred humping Neanderthals. And I might have. Their reputation for uncouthness wouldn’t have bothered me, not at all. The less graceful they seem, the more charming I seem (and whenever I’m pitching woo I like to feel as charming as possible, like I was Prince Charming, confident and sophisticated like Cary Grant). And I like slouchy girls; good posture, like all couth, is greatly overrated. I can't really say that I'm crazy about the receding forehead (we can call it a “prominent brow” all day long, but it’s still a receding forehead), but whatever…maybe with the right kind of haircut, bangs or something.

Ten Easy Questions

1.  Would you prefer an iPad, or would you rather have a big section of a muddy, rotting ox carcass?

2.  Is it possible that, deep down, Kim Jong Un is a nice guy, or is he just a jerk?

3.  Which Cypriot bankers are sleazier, the Greeks or the Turks?

4.  Does the pope poop in the woods?

5.  If a man has sex with his male friends and acquaintances but always (or at least usually) assumes the role of a "top," is he still gay?

6.  Can Governor Christie lose enough weight to run for President in 2016?

7.  Beatles or Stones?

8.  Which city is more westerly: Reno, NV, or Los Angeles, CA?

9.  Why did so-and-so stick a jar of strawberry jam up his/her proverbial butt?

10.  Most plausible superhero?

Answers: iPad; it's possible that he's a nice guy; equally sleazy; the pope does not poop in the woods; still gay but not as much; absolutely not...way too fat; Stones; Reno; it was his/her favorite flavor; Superman (who's to say what aliens can do?).