The Most Horrible Thing

So many things upset me. Indeed, one of the reasons that TWM and its readership are so very dear to me is that blogging is a means by which I am able to get the issues that bother me off of my chest. I find it quite cathartic to air my grievances, which are numerous and varied.

For example, it drives me up the wall when people mistakenly use phony words such as “beastiality” or “conversate” when they mean to say, respectively, “bestiality” or “converse.” I wish oral conversations had a spellchecker so that folks could see the gibberish they spew underlined in red as it leaves their ignorant pie-holes. When I hear such bogus words bandied about, it takes everything I’ve got to resist the urge to correct people, to tell them that the things they are saying are not words and that they are blathering. Also, I can’t stand it when people use the phrase “begs the question” to mean raises or poses a certain question. To beg the question means to take for granted the matter in dispute, to use a restatement of an argument’s conclusion as a premise leading toward that very conclusion. Over the last decade I’ve heard the term “begs the question” misused so often that I’m worried that the term will soon start to actually mean what these fools think it means. I’ve even heard Conan O’Brien say it, and he went to Harvard. It’s maddening how the language can be hijacked by those who care so little for good diction.

While the bastardization of our lexicon is certainly one of my pet peeves, there are plenty of other things that irritate me, things that have nothing to do with language. For instance, I hate it when people put the toilet paper in so that it spins back and under rather than up and over. It’s so awkward. I realize that the former method helps prevent cats from making a mess, but why would anyone without cats do it? It’s insane. And it’s extremely frustrating when record stores sell used cds in shrink-wrap but they nevertheless put the price stickers directly onto the cd jewel cases rather than onto the shrink-wrap. Those damn stickers leave a gooey residue that takes at least 20 minutes to get completely off the jewel case.

But the most horrible thing, the absolute worst, is when your supposed friend who’s hanging out surfing the web casually asks, “Hey, you wanna see a horse-fuck video?” and you say, “Sure,” not realizing what you’re getting yourself into. A minute and a half later your psyche has been permanently scarred, and you realize that you will never recover from the depravity you’ve witnessed. It's as though you'll forever be trapped in that dark barn, watching appalled as that thousand-pound beast with a penis the size of a man’s leg pounds into that sorry-ass pervert. It's totally fucking mind-boggling. And then you find out that, unsurprisingly, the dude ended up dying a few hours later from internal injuries, so you’ve essentially been watching a snuff film (although no one was ever prosecuted because in Washington state there are no laws against bestiality). You think about the guy holding the camera, recklessly encouraging the victim to go through with it, and how utterly evil he must have been to facilitate such atrocious business. But mostly you think about the victim. You can see from his face that he is on the verge of some sort of sexual ecstasy, and this makes him seem unfathomable and inhuman. But you can also see from his face that he is terrified and that his trepidation is interfering with his twisted sense of erotic gratification, and you can understand his fear so thoroughly and so intensely that it connects you to him and it makes it impossible for you to deny his humanity.

Oh, God, this scary, profoundly filthy clip is truly the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. I often claim to be a staunch opponent of censorship, and yet I find myself thinking that this footage ought to be banned from the internet. It's a terrible and disturbing testament to the wretched depths to which the human spirit can sink, and it just gets weirder and more sickening every time I watch it.