Sunday, July 26, 2009

...out of the worm-hole, into the fire!

Dear The Worm,

I have toiled in anonymity at my job for five years. A co-worker, who works on the same floor as I do, has introduced herself to me in the elevator over 10 times during my time here. Each time, she squeals with delight about the new young people working here. My question to you is this: how do I politely let her know she is most likely suffering from Alzheimer's?

--Concerned co-worker

The Worm sez: Alzheimer’s Disease – the degenerative and terminal illness so commonly referred to as “old-timers’ disease” despite the fact that it is well known to also afflict newer, younger, more delightful employees – is nasty business, indeed. According to Wikipedia, the average life expectancy of patients diagnosed with Alzheimer’s is approximately seven years (please seehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alzheimer%27s_disease). An even grimmer picture is presented by Professors Molsa, Marttila, and Rinne of the University of Turku, Finland, in their seminal article, “Survival Prognostications and Mortality Rates in Alzheimer’s Disease and Multi-Infarct Dementia Cases” (published in Acta Neurologica Scandinavica; please seehttp://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/121522812/abstract). In their study, widely cited as being conclusive, the professors calculate Alzheimer patients’ mean life expectancy following diagnosis to be a mere 5.7 years. Assuming that you’re a medical doctor trained in neurology, your professional and considered opinion that this co-worker has Alzheimer’s Disease, if expressed on company property during business hours, will constitute a diagnosis. As such, your opinion will start this woman’s medical clock ticking, her alarm set to go off in 5.7 years (seven years at best, if Wikipedia can be trusted). A ruder awakening is difficult to imagine, and the unpleasant news that you’re looking to break cannot be delivered politely. Your assessment would be tantamount to firing a really, really slow bullet straight at her temple. Perhaps a death warrant can be signed with cold civility, but it can never be signed with warmth or grace, so please give up on your attempt to be polite. The best way to try to let her know she is most likely suffering from Alzheimer's is to tell her repeatedly that she probably does not have Alzheimer’s and then hope that she totally forgets what you’ve said.

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So sayeth The Worm.

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