Sunday, July 12, 2009

Mission Statement

Turning Worm Manifesto (hereafter, “TWM”) is a platform from which voices of uncommon wisdom and sobriety may critique artificial paradigms and collapse factitious distinctions. Although TWM respects the inherent validity of all opinions, it does not seek to dignify or perpetuate viewpoints involving bullshit, bilious humor or humbuggery of any sort. Such viewpoints may be published from time to time but only for the purpose of exposing them to public scorn and ridicule. TWM is strong like ox and smart like tractor but humbled by its own towering greatness. TWM is guided by the following principles:

First, for purposes of playing Reauchambeau (aka “rock/scissors/paper”), Chevy El Camino is to Ford Ranchero as Ford Ranchero is to GMC Caballero as GMC Caballero is to Chevy El Camino.

Second, lies are metaphors for the truth.

Third, when applying condiments to sandwich bread, it's worth the extra time and trouble to make sure that the condiment is spread evenly across the entire surface of the slice of bread (thus ensuring that the condiment’s flavor will be tasted in every bite of the sandwich).

Fourth, math is okay but science is total bullshit.

Fifth, there are six and only six categories of human faces: the bird face, the horse face, the muffin face, the bird/horse hybrid, the horse/muffin hybrid, and the muffin/bird hybrid.

Sixth, neither the Freemasons, the Illuminati, the Rosicrucians, the Gnomes of Zurich, the Rotarians, nor the Amish exist and so there's no point in blaming anything on them or inquiring into their activities any further.

Seventh, although the cliché inheres to its being said again and again, the proof is rarely in the pudding.

Eighth, the most bling-bling name is “RoLexus,” yo, and the most street name is “Dirty Dawgg.”

Ninth, delusions of adequacy can be every bit as pleasant as delusions of grandeur.

Tenth, while corporate entities should retain their economic speech rights, they should be denied the right to free political speech (and the concomitant right to contribute money to political causes and candidates); moreover, such an approach would be consistent with existing jurisprudence.

In sum, TWM is dedicated to calling the citizenry’s attention to this most stern and universal of judgments:

“Yea, as the worm turneth, so must shall ye reap!”,

a warning found not only in the Bible and the Koran but in the holy books of all peoples. Let humanity take note lest our fate become irrevocable, our hope irretrievable. Let us take heed before it’s too late.


-- posted by TWM editorial board (hereafter, “The Worm”), with the approval of both the Thomastic Committee and the Gregorian Council and the ratification of the Cyberpress Society of Rotenberg, on this twelfth day of July, 2009.

7 comments:

  1. Comments on Principle The First: Ranchero: classic. El Camino: muscle. Caballero: fail.

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  2. Comments on Principle The Fourth: If math is decent, and science absurd, what word can possibly classify the bible?

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  3. I believe the word is "sanctus." As in "Sanctus, sanctus, sanctus, Dominus Deus Sabaoth!" Your analysis of American-made car-trucks is spot on; however, if you continue with your trouble-making questions about the Bible, you might well find yourself behind the wheel of a Subaru Brat.

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  4. I dispute the non-existence of the gnomes of zurich. the others can go to hell.

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  5. I suggest you post your Social Security number. The next day, if you still have money in your bank accounts, then you will know that the Gnomes of Zurich don't exist.

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  6. It is also used in some online gambling sites as a form of novelty betting.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock-paper-scissors

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  7. Your nom de plume is "Anonymous"? That's a very...how shall I say?...efficient pseudonym.

    ReplyDelete

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